Thursday, 24 January 2013

I’m messed up, and possibly bipolar

Only one of my friends knows I cut, and she thinks I’ve stopped. It’s ironic that the closest person I have to a best friend doesn’t like wrists because she’s squeamish about cutting.
I don’t know why I find that kind of funny. I have a really twisted sense of humour. And she’s the person I’d be most likely to tell, too.
But… it’s not fair on her. It’d hurt her.
My parents think I’ve stopped too. It’s not like my mum cared anyway. She’s too disappointed I’m not a carbon copy of her to accept I might actually have opinions of my own. And my dad’s kind of scary when he’s drinking or angry, which is happening a lot at the moment. Even if he’s not drunk, I get scared when he has a glass of wine. He’s not abusive or anything, just… he says stuff he’d never say when he’s sober. And he never remembers it either. I never bring it up.

I’m messed up.

It’d be better if I wasn’t alive, really. What kind of girl makes a New Year’s Resolution to kill herself? Helium’s painless, and my parents wouldn’t need to know. I could pretend I was getting it for a party. And seeing as I used to aquascape (like landscaping, but in an aquarium), I could say I was going to try and get back into it. Scaping hose doesn’t leak gas. Good for injecting CO2 into aquaria. Or helium into an exit bag, which you can get all too easily. Even Tesco sells bags you could use. Oversized freezer bags, for example, or miniature bin bags.
It’s too simple to commit suicide. And no one would really care. They’d be better off without me.
Sometime before the end of April would be good, but really, the sooner the better.

I’ve thought about it far too much. I’ve researched. (Yeah, I have all sorts of tables and graphs and articles hidden away. And people say I’m not that nerdy.) I’m going to go through with it, and I’m not going to fail. Because I’ve never failed anything before, and this is in no way going to be the first.

And I keep my word. I said I was going to do it. Might as well get it over and done with.

Although, I think I deserve a week’s worth of mochas (every day at school) before I start buying things, because one can’t keep on top of all the homework Year 8 gets, one’s internet duties, and suicide preparations all at once.

Love always,


  1. To be honest I really want to link you to a video, and because I can I'll just do it.
    Watch it, please. and after you watched it, read on

    So I guess he is really making a point. At your age you might been through a lot, but you still haven't seen that many things. Life has so much more to offer than what a person can exlorer in those years you spent on here. You are telling about your father and I can absolutly relate, as my father (whith whom I live at the moment) is an alcoholic. It's hard on me but I know I will move out eventually and then his bussines is not mine anymore. I don't know what to say really, because I don't know you that well, but I enjoy reading your posts here and on the NaNo site, and as I said, there is just soooo much more, even though life can be hard, it can be good too. It's ok to break a promise sometimes, so dare to life instead daring to die...

    1. YouTube doesn't work on my mobile :(. But I'll watch it when I have access to a computer.

      "I don't know you that well, but (...) even though life can be hard, it can be good too."

      That's the thing. No one I know in real life would care. I know this sounds sad, but the only people that'd be bothered are people on the internet. Friends? What're they? I'm not sure I'd count a friend as someone who stabs you in the back every time you decide to trust them, and in real life, that's all I have. All I've ever had. And the way it feels right now, all I'll ever have, period.

      I'm not good with this whole 'feelings' thing. Maybe I'll try again later.

      But thanks anyway. :)

  2. A lot of people think that the world would be better off without them. I don't know about your specific situation, but I can tell you that it's not true. Everyone has some skill, something that can add something positive to the world. From what I can tell, this is especially true for you. I think you have a lot to offer humanity.

    But I can understand why you might feel like people would be better off without you. It's easy to believe nice things about yourself for a little while and then stop believing them. I just really hope that you believe me when I tell you that I'd be really upset if I found out that you killed yourself. I think what worries me the most is that I probably would never know for sure, because you would just stop posting stuff. Caring about Internet people is tricky. But I'm going to stop making this about me.

    You have no reason to listen to me. I'm just some anonymous commenter, a few nameless, faceless chunks of text on your screen. And I'm not living your life. But please don't kill yourself. There's always something to live for, and there's always someone who would miss you. A lot of people just don't say those things out loud.

    You also might not want to completely write off your parents right away. There are many things that could keep them from letting you know they care. Keep in mind that they're real people, too, and they mess up. Maybe it seems like they don't care, but if you asked them to just listen to what you have to say without interrupting you, maybe you can communicate more efficiently. They probably do care about you.

    Honestly, I don't know what about this comment is helpful and what isn't. I hope it is helpful. At the very least, I hope I'm offering you a different perspective to consider. Or something.

    Just . . . try to hold yourself together. Do whatever you can to keep yourself alive. I believe that, at the very center of things, humanity is good and everyone has a reason to live. There are so many ways a person can contribute to the world, it's impossible not to have a purpose. Try to believe me.

    1. There's a difference between having a lot to offer and having people that notice.

      Ever read The Perks Of Being A Wallflower? I'm like Charlie, only shyer, more depressed, no friends, better music (XD). And at the end-


      -he gets put in hospital. Then, and only then, does he realise people care.

      *end spoiler*

      I don't want to live like that. People only caring when something happens. I'm one of those people who doesn't say things out loud, as you said, but my friends - well, the people I spend my time with - are the kind that don't give a shit what anyone says and will say anything no matter what anyone else thinks. (I'm not saying they're all bitches. Only one of them. :p.) And I wouldn't know, but I read that people are only honest when they're drunk. Well, my dad seems pretty disappointed to have me as a daughter. And my mum's never got drunk (really), but when she gets tipsy... it's pretty much the sme as my dad, only less blunt, more backhanded.

      I have a little brother. There's no way they're going to listen to me. :). In all seriousness though, they're always busy when I talk. Funny, that.

      "It's impossible not to have a purpose."
      ... I'm not a huge fan of destiny, but that's a nice thought. (I'm not trying to be rude. Honest.)

      Thanks anyway for commenting. It does make me feel better, in a strange, 'internet people care' way. :)

      (I have a theory about internet people. I'll explain it one day.)