Only one of my friends knows I cut, and she thinks I’ve stopped. It’s ironic that the closest person I have to a best friend doesn’t like wrists because she’s squeamish about cutting.
I don’t know why I find that kind of funny. I have a really twisted sense of humour. And she’s the person I’d be most likely to tell, too.
But… it’s not fair on her. It’d hurt her.
My parents think I’ve stopped too. It’s not like my mum cared anyway. She’s too disappointed I’m not a carbon copy of her to accept I might actually have opinions of my own. And my dad’s kind of scary when he’s drinking or angry, which is happening a lot at the moment. Even if he’s not drunk, I get scared when he has a glass of wine. He’s not abusive or anything, just… he says stuff he’d never say when he’s sober. And he never remembers it either. I never bring it up.
I’m messed up.
It’d be better if I wasn’t alive, really. What kind of girl makes a New Year’s Resolution to kill herself? Helium’s painless, and my parents wouldn’t need to know. I could pretend I was getting it for a party. And seeing as I used to aquascape (like landscaping, but in an aquarium), I could say I was going to try and get back into it. Scaping hose doesn’t leak gas. Good for injecting CO2 into aquaria. Or helium into an exit bag, which you can get all too easily. Even Tesco sells bags you could use. Oversized freezer bags, for example, or miniature bin bags.
It’s too simple to commit suicide. And no one would really care. They’d be better off without me.
Sometime before the end of April would be good, but really, the sooner the better.
I’ve thought about it far too much. I’ve researched. (Yeah, I have all sorts of tables and graphs and articles hidden away. And people say I’m not that nerdy.) I’m going to go through with it, and I’m not going to fail. Because I’ve never failed anything before, and this is in no way going to be the first.
And I keep my word. I said I was going to do it. Might as well get it over and done with.
Although, I think I deserve a week’s worth of mochas (every day at school) before I start buying things, because one can’t keep on top of all the homework Year 8 gets, one’s internet duties, and suicide preparations all at once.
Love always,
Victoria
